Society says keep moving. People tell me to look to the future. Things will change and get better. All words that are presumably meant to keep me going. These words don’t aid in the processing of current emotions; instead they tend to be words that remove these debilitating emotions or black them out from my mind so I can “make it through.” What if the idleness of my current situation is not for me to look to the future, but instead to look at what is currently going on at this present passing moment? How is it that I can so quickly dismiss what is going on in the now? This poses a major problem. What is going on with me? To figure that out, I have to really ask myself “How am I doing?” without the pretext that I am answering this question because I am going to be better.
The answer to that question… I am doing… well, honestly… I am frustrated. Frustrated and bored of idleness. Is idleness my problem? No, not necessarily, but I feel that my idleness is a result of failure and doubt. So if I am not moving and things are not progressing, then I am in an ongoing state of failure. This feeling is what eats me alive. I doubt that things will change. Is this sense of failure true? I mean, I have failed at things in my past. But does that mean that right now I am walking in perpetual failure? I think this is where people speak statements that look to the future. Justifiably so, because the future brings tomorrow, and tomorrow’s possibilities can’t be the same as today or yesterday. In my case, it has been days of looking for tomorrow to bring something different. I am still waiting with an overarching doubt that anything is actually going to happen.
What does all of this mean? That I am a failure? No. It means that maybe in constantly looking for something to change for tomorrow, that my overarching desire for this change stops the progress of what is going on today. I miss out what God is speaking over me, what He has for me in this moment.
Can I be a failure in God’s eyes? A constant question that rolls through my heart, but definitely not through the heart of the Father. I believe this is the key. Understand the true heart of the Father. Not just for me but for so many of us who are in these “idle” seasons.
This brings me to the story of King David of the Old Testament, only he wasn’t a king yet. Constantly going through rigors of battle, hiding, obedience to God, and holding on to a promise that seems hard to believe will come to fruition. David doesn’t go through this waiting period as a totally outstanding heroic figure with an optimistic view of his distant future. Instead we see the story of man who goes through some serious hardships on the longer-than-expected journey to kingship. Yes, he doesn’t stray from the promise of God, but in that process, he doesn’t always come off as having it all together. Take for example, David acting insane in the presence of the Philistine king so he will not be killed. He was simply doing what it took to stay alive for that day. Sometimes he is even given what seems to be ideal opportunities to act and move to take his kingship by killing the current king. In obedience to the promise, that opportunity was not how God was to have him take the throne. Patience. Patience to the point that the only thing that can be relied on is that he was the anointed one of God and that God does not go back on His promises.
What am I left with, and what am I to do with it? I know that the Lord has called me. I know that I have been anointed for ministry. I know that the promise of ministry is just that, a promise. A promise that God does not renounce. My doubts are human. My flesh wants to blame myself. My heart is torn, and my mind is burned out. I am simply holding onto the promise that God has laid before me and His constant words of hope and peace that keep me going and living for the day. In the moment, I am learning to serve, love, and trust Him in every day. Trust not just for tomorrow, but fully for each day that I wake up. Whatever that day looks like. Whatever the task is for that day.
Failure and doubt are not the promises that have been given to me.